Monthly Archives: June 2012

love affair with food

I tried and tried to lose the weight I had gained with the birth of my little guy for close to 4 years by eating less and moving more. It wasn’t working. I kept feeling defeated, didn’t like my body, didn’t like myself and just wanted to hide in big clothes. I would drop my son off at school and pass by the Weight Watchers center on the way to the gym. I would think about going in but I was ashamed of asking for and paying a large corporation to tell me how to eat and lose weight and at the same time, I knew that whatever I was doing wasn’t doing what I wanted. So one day I walked into the place and signed up. That was in 2009. Before walking in, I promises myself 2 things: I was going to do what they told me without trying to find loopholes or ways to cheat the systems, and I was going to stick to it until after I lost weight and learned to maintain my weight. I needed to do this.

The whole thing with WW is to eat a certain number of points per day determined by the company based on criteria specific to the individual. The members role is to consume foods they choose based on that number and to track what they eat. So basically I had to write down whatever I ate every day and all of a sudden, seeing what I consumed became important. I was to limit how much I ate but what I ate was all my doing. Seeing what you are eating and becoming aware of how your body is responding to the food became very important to me. When you are confronted with limiting yourself, you realize how important it is to give yourself the best that you can to nourish and satisfy you.

Here we are three years later and I’ve lost the weight and maintained it. Mind you I’m a bit obsessed with my weight but I can live with that since I can fit into a size 6 pair of jeans and that’s what I wanted. I walked into WW to be able to fit into a pair of skinny jeans if I chose and the consequence of it has become my love for eating healthy delicious food.

I spend time making a weekly menu. I base my menu on the box of vegetable that arrives to my house on Fridays from SLO Veg. By having a box of different vegetables come to me taught me to step out of my comfort food zone. I stay away from meat that are factory farmed. My eggs are fertile and free range. If I want more vegetables, I go to my local farmers market and pick/choose from what they offer. My sister and I were talking about this change in me and I told her that for the first time in my life, I’ve actually started to love food. Making the connection with food on my terms, I’ve become both very controlling of what I put in my body and learning to let myself to just have fun with it. I’m still learning how to balance my uses of food, how to enjoy it, not to obsess about it, and sometimes just let myself go and just be.

The more I learn about the food on my plate, the more I realize that what my sister has lived by for decades is becoming more and more true. The personal is political. Without intention, how I choose to feed myself and my family has become both a personal need for nutrition and a political stand. Here’s the kicker, at the same time I’m conflicted because I feel like an absolute snob and elitist when I do these things because I know that a large part of the world is suffering with hunger/starvation and there are places on this planet where clean drinking water is unavailable. I think about this while I walk around with my handmade bag massaging kale to determine which one will go well with my dinner. It’s gross and I am conflicted about it.

The point of this blog? Nothing, Everything. Food.


Posted by on June 24, 2012 in in my head


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ImageI think reality checks about yourself are the most interesting and surprising experiences one can have. I assume that if there’s anyone who can really know about the workings of my brain it’s me since I’m the one making them happen. But sometimes I am confronted with my raw, unprocessed reaction to situations and I find myself giggling at what little I really understand about me.

My ideas of me change as situations and years progress. Looking back at my self-identity through the years, I can see the changes in me but there has always been one thing that I’ve always considered a foundation of my basic personality traits is my need to be alone. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always loved being alone. It has been the times in my life when I can create, reflect, deflate and just be with me. I like me. I would be my friend.

So here we are today. It has been 10 days of living alone. I’ve never lived alone so this is a big deal for me. The Pauls are on their Great American Roadtrip Journey and I have had the most interesting time finding out about my many different feelings about life without my boys. I had so many grand plans and ideas of what I was going to do. I made a list of projects I haven’t had time to finish off because (insert excuse here: I use the boy as mine). I made plans to do the things that you can’t do with a kid attached at your hip. I was going to be single and loving it. PERFECT!

The thing I forgot to include in my grand plan was the emotional connection I have to my love and our little love that we have made. I forgot that for the past 10 years my heart has been filled with love deeper and more alive than ever in my life. I forgot that my little man, even though his affections are conditional,  wakes up and asks for a hug. I forgot that the little man starts my day and reminds me of when my day is over. I forgot that when my love wakes up mid-day, I am always greeted with a kiss. I forgot that when I’m alone, it is quiet around me but not inside my head. I forgot that I may have to deal with a roller coaster of feelings.

Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed this time and I can’t thank Paul enough for allowing me not to join their trip. I need this time for many reasons. It’s wonderful to be able to get up and go without having to herd a kid to get going. It’s wonderful not to hurry up and wait. I love that I can spontaneously get up and go or be a slug and just lay around doing nothing. Sleeping in and laying in bed watching the sky feels good. Making myself dinner without having to modify any of it is lovely. Walking around town at my own pace and not having to slow down to keep with someone else pace is a good thing.

So with the contradictions of emotions about this experience, I am happily enjoying my days, dreading my nights, missing them deeply, wishing it would last a few days longer, wanting them to get home now, needing more time, wanting to be held, and learning more about me as the days pass.

They come home in three days. I am going to just laugh at myself when I get annoyed they are home to ruin my good thing within an hour of their arrival. Mind you I wouldn’t be surprised by it because I’m that ridiculous about the whole thing.

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Posted by on June 22, 2012 in Uncategorized