I think reality checks about yourself are the most interesting and surprising experiences one can have. I assume that if there’s anyone who can really know about the workings of my brain it’s me since I’m the one making them happen. But sometimes I am confronted with my raw, unprocessed reaction to situations and I find myself giggling at what little I really understand about me.
My ideas of me change as situations and years progress. Looking back at my self-identity through the years, I can see the changes in me but there has always been one thing that I’ve always considered a foundation of my basic personality traits is my need to be alone. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always loved being alone. It has been the times in my life when I can create, reflect, deflate and just be with me. I like me. I would be my friend.
So here we are today. It has been 10 days of living alone. I’ve never lived alone so this is a big deal for me. The Pauls are on their Great American Roadtrip Journey and I have had the most interesting time finding out about my many different feelings about life without my boys. I had so many grand plans and ideas of what I was going to do. I made a list of projects I haven’t had time to finish off because (insert excuse here: I use the boy as mine). I made plans to do the things that you can’t do with a kid attached at your hip. I was going to be single and loving it. PERFECT!
The thing I forgot to include in my grand plan was the emotional connection I have to my love and our little love that we have made. I forgot that for the past 10 years my heart has been filled with love deeper and more alive than ever in my life. I forgot that my little man, even though his affections are conditional, wakes up and asks for a hug. I forgot that the little man starts my day and reminds me of when my day is over. I forgot that when my love wakes up mid-day, I am always greeted with a kiss. I forgot that when I’m alone, it is quiet around me but not inside my head. I forgot that I may have to deal with a roller coaster of feelings.
Don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed this time and I can’t thank Paul enough for allowing me not to join their trip. I need this time for many reasons. It’s wonderful to be able to get up and go without having to herd a kid to get going. It’s wonderful not to hurry up and wait. I love that I can spontaneously get up and go or be a slug and just lay around doing nothing. Sleeping in and laying in bed watching the sky feels good. Making myself dinner without having to modify any of it is lovely. Walking around town at my own pace and not having to slow down to keep with someone else pace is a good thing.
So with the contradictions of emotions about this experience, I am happily enjoying my days, dreading my nights, missing them deeply, wishing it would last a few days longer, wanting them to get home now, needing more time, wanting to be held, and learning more about me as the days pass.
They come home in three days. I am going to just laugh at myself when I get annoyed they are home to ruin my good thing within an hour of their arrival. Mind you I wouldn’t be surprised by it because I’m that ridiculous about the whole thing.